God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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