Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
