Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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