I just saw a hot homeless man
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
