Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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