I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
