Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
