I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
