proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Text me some of your sweat
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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