my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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