and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize