You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
