there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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