I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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