so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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