I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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