If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My cat gives me a boner
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
