How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
