***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
