I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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