woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
