That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
