May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
