he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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