your parents love me but you hate me
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
