Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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