Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize