God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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