Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize