kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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