So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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