And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
