Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
