I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize