I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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