The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
