guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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