matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
