A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
