the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
