I wish I could teleport
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
