So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
