There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
