you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
