mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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