Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize