it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
