first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
3 2 1 whiskey
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
