i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
we're so committed to being not committed
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
