we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
