if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
