I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize