I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
worst night to have a conscience
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize