Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
