Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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