Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
