Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
