on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
