We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
