What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
