He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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