they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
