weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
